It’s true that I’ve lost steam since my genuine attempts at a blogging renaissance. This past month, I started the overnight shifts once again and while I came into them strong and full of vision, the disruption of one’s natural clock proves more powerful than the most ardent sense of motivation. We do these shift changes monthly. The 7-3p and 3-11p blocks of time bring you as near to normality as such a constant rotation will allow. You’re awake when you should be awake, you can meet up with people outside of work without performing a contortionist act. It doesn’t quite feel normal but it’s as close as you’ll get with this job.
On the overnight shifts, you feel a crushing sense of isolation. Not just because you are working against the sun, but because you feel as if you’re working against humanity itself. It sounds melodramatic until you have lived it.
I made a point of staying up after work this time around. I was able to feel the sun on my face (on those rare sunny days), be up when the birds were singing and the day was starting new. But it’s a race against the clock, trying to enjoy the brightness of morning all while knowing you need to sleep; that darkness is coming and in that darkness you now live.
I’ve been floating by in a state of semi-hibernation this past month; sleeping way longer than I should, spending the majority of my time inside enclosed spaces. I make decisions to stay in bed knowing it’s not completely healthy, but also accepting that this way of life is inherently unhealthy. The light at the end of a long, secluded tunnel ends Monday morning after working all weekend. We’re back onto 7-3 come Tuesday.
Next week I fly into Madrid on Thursday to visit my good friend Rob. Our rough itinerary looks promising with a mix of hiking, a day trip to Toledo, and watching Madrid play Liverpool in the Champions League Final. The forecast for those three days is, in typical Spanish fashion, warm and sunny. If all goes well, it will be a nice getaway.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life’s many paths and why we sometimes stay on the ones that lead us away from happiness. Some take those paths out of necessity due to dependents or financial insecurity. But for those of us who have the power to change what we don’t like, why would we ever stick with something that doesn’t bring us joy? There are many reasons I can think of, but I want to reject them all. I am lucky enough to know what I want in life, at least in the bigger picture, and the specifics only become clearer through the years and new experiences. I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness to fit the status quo.
That said, I continue to research and plan and work toward my ideal life. Part of that focuses heavily on writing. I look forward to emerging from this time warp back into a place where I can set aside late afternoons with my laptop, then quit when the sun goes down.