2017 has been a difficult year and frankly, I haven’t cared for it. Not to say nothing positive happened. No, that would be dramatic. But unfortunately the bad memories have had a way of sticking out, shoving their way to the front of my mind, leaving all the good ones grumbling and disgruntled in their wake.
If I’m being honest with myself, the break-up with my ex had a lot to do with muddying the waters of this past year. I let it drag out too long, tried to play the friend game, let myself get hurt over and over. That whole song and dance lasted for 9 months. Practically the entire year. And it sucked big time. I only have myself to blame, I’m too sentimental and thought not having him around would be worse than dealing with the back and forth. I’d like to say I wasted my time, but I don’t think anything in life is truly a waste if you learn from it. I did in this case, and would like to think I won’t make that mistake again. But, in the end, I’m 90% hedonist so reason doesn’t always prevail. I’ll be the first to admit that fuels my sometimes poor decision-making.
The loneliness of the ex situation and desire to try to move on from it led me on some dates with questionable men; some straight up dicks, some just emotionally stunted. I’m definitely picky but the pool of eligible bachelors here seems small and slightly damaged, like a shelf of marked down items at the old Port Covington Walmart. I want to believe a great guy is out there for me. Not still single because he’s mental, but because he hasn’t wanted to settle, because he’s been chasing his own dreams like I have. I’ve gotten to the point though where I’m tired of looking. The dating game is terrible and now that my work schedule is so insane, it doesn’t leave me much time for anything else. Luckily, I’m OK with that.
It’s very easy to fall into the loneliness trap, whether it’s for want of a relationship or being away from your friends and family. I’ve felt both keenly this year and I have to keep reminding myself how much more is out there. I moved here to escape, to do something different, to avoid a predictable routine. People have told me they live vicariously through me while I get to live out my dreams of traveling, meeting countless new friends, and learning something new everyday. But it can be a very lonely world when you never set down roots. This is the double-edged sword I battle my inner demons with.
I’ve been left with scars from many of those battles this year, but I’m still standing. I look forward to the symbolic new start of 2018 and already have things in mind that I want to pursue in my free time as well as work on within myself. It may have been a rocky 12 months but the beauty of time is that it goes on. Always wise to match its stride and leave the past behind where it belongs.